Ok,
So..... I'm entering some silly stage of panic mode.... As fun as it is to have the prospect of various different guys... When the actual possibility of them becomes real... Turn on the freak out!
So... This Thursday is coming fast.... Will be seeing army officer from the course I went on.... And in some of the recent texts, there was definitely a flirty undertone..... I don't want to make anything of it, but am nervous nonetheless!
But now here's the clencher! Have heard from black tie dinner officer..... And he wants to go to the movies.... THIS THURSDAY! Arghhhhh..... Of all damn days! I've had to take A rain check and offered maybe Sunday, but he doesn't know what he's. doing Sunday so he couldn't confirm......
On the one hand... At least I'm not being too available for him, I mean, he let me down when I really liked him.... So I am kinda nervous, as I don't usually give second chances......
But top it off with the fact that I may like this other guy as well...... And there may be some mutual feelings.... Arghhh... I'm even more nervous than before!
On a side note, I am moving into a charged house in February, so everything is going to change in the next few weeks and this is a bit nerve wracking to say the least! Sigh....
I'm going to keep trying to play it cool..... But I don't know how cool I can be,
Plus.... I've been talking to a friend lately.... And we are on the path of being friends w benefits... So... Does this complicate matters?
What do I do.?
The next few weeks are going to be very interesting, without a doubt!
I'll try and keep you posted....
I'm starting to feed the flames of this fire..... And I am A bit scared I might get burned!
Lesson here folks..... Don't bite off more than you can chew!
Au revoir for now my friends... Hope you are all well... In this wintry cold spell everyone seems to be enjoying! 7 inches of snow here :).
Xxx
Sunday, 20 January 2013
Saturday, 12 January 2013
New year... old me?
Im back...
To start with... though i know not too many people follow this, i still would like to apologise for the prolonged silence on the stories... life seems to get in the way.... and before you know it, the mood is passed and that crazy thing that happened hurts too much to reminisce about..
November was my last post... and it was about an occurrence in october, a lot has happened since, and obviously, there is still a lot of past history to cover........ never a dull moment in this sorry little life of mine! (by choice of course... life is only as fun or as dull as you choose to make it)
so.. past or present? thats the question?
there have been many an entertaining night in the past 3 months.... sadly not one single of the men involved has managed to make a lasting impression, saying that though...... i currently find myself faced with the prospect of 4 possible interesting options (4 that could either go somewhere, or completely nowhere!)
so I will start with that... and if this doesnt take too long... then i will pick an old story to bring some laughs in...
so, back story number 1 (ties in to last post) Officer in the army... black tie dinner night... said he wasnt interested (honest at least)...
day before i flew home to my parents for christmas... i get a text from him... !!! 2 months no communication.. hey, hope you have a good christmas.. was it ... u were going to for xmas?
random...? purpose? unknown... but im polite.. replied thanks... have fun in france with the ski season (his original plan).. then i decided... new year.. why not... last wednesday i texted to wish a happy new year, assuming maybe he was back from france.. and he texted back on friday... specifying hes back in my town on sunday............... so i hinted that getting together would be fun... seems interested.... left at that for now... (that is option 1.... somewhere... nowhere,.. could go either way!)
Option 2: email from a guy on online dating site on 31st jan... pretty fit, muscly... ex army, now is a bodyguard.. seems nice enough.. is in iraq at present but is back in town in 2 weeks and might want to meet................. (never met before so could be full on dud.. only 1 inch taller than me! hrmmm.... could be something.. or nothing?)
Option 3: when i first started internet dating... went out once with a firefighter.... impromptu spontaneous night... i behaved, but we had fun drinking and playing games... he met someone so that never went anywhere... but sometime mid summer he added me on fb... (relationship status-gf) poked me on fb a few times... then we started emailing again.... hes since broken up with gf... and latest email hints at meeting up...... hrmmm....... (local so thats a plus... liked me once, could go well... has a girls name! not so keen!!! LOL im picky!)
Option 4.... my preferred choice... saving best for last...
met this guy on a course beginning of december... 5 years older than me... same profession as me, but also army officer... bit of a silver fox.. speaks various languages, funny... good at accents, intelligent, well travelled.... fits with me.... ---- problem : GIRLFRIEND hmmm... polish gf he met in salsa classes..... communication not working with them, so a girl can hope!!! well... that weekend we made good professional contact... so my thinking, play it safe, bide my time..... life is full of surprises! His idea was that one day i should come visit where he would to see what military rehab is like (did i mention, im a physical therapist) .... so we have been emailing, and in 2 weeks i am going to visit and see what its like compared to acute hospital settings..... but also.. i want to see what hes like... and hes letting me sleep in his room while he takes his friends room... hmmmmmmmmm... watch this space!!
so... likelihood? has gf.. so unlikely... but... i have a funny feeling... so who knows!!!
so... it would appear i have 4 possible prospects at present that could either all turn into nothing, or have potential for something...
hmmm.... needless to say... im tired of being alone.. i want to fall in love, want to meet my someone, want to start my life...ive lived plenty, but i feel its not as fun if i can't share it.
so.... the options are: 4: unattainable
3: repeat offence from a year ago
2: new and unknown territory
1: fun and exciting, but let me down once already..
HELP! lol... i like all 4....
and ill end up with none... guaranteed ;)
i dont feel like filling in with an old story now, as it would be hard to choose one, just to say.... everything happens for a reason, everyone we meet has a purpose...... the next 3 weeks will say what happens next..... ill be sure to update on the progress of the 4 projects...
in the meantime, i hope and pray that you all had an amazing christmas, and that this year has started strong... resolutions are cheesy, but i think its therapeutic to reminisce and self evaluate the things we can improve in ourselves...
my resolutions? going to sign up to crossfit (ready to physically die) and want to see 2014 in by kissing my soulmate..... gives me 12 months!
wish me luck fellow travellers..... life is a rollercoaster, made for adrenaline addicts of all sorts.. love gives adrenaline of the best kind and thats what i need....
ill be back...
xx
Still lonely, but hopeful
To start with... though i know not too many people follow this, i still would like to apologise for the prolonged silence on the stories... life seems to get in the way.... and before you know it, the mood is passed and that crazy thing that happened hurts too much to reminisce about..
November was my last post... and it was about an occurrence in october, a lot has happened since, and obviously, there is still a lot of past history to cover........ never a dull moment in this sorry little life of mine! (by choice of course... life is only as fun or as dull as you choose to make it)
so.. past or present? thats the question?
there have been many an entertaining night in the past 3 months.... sadly not one single of the men involved has managed to make a lasting impression, saying that though...... i currently find myself faced with the prospect of 4 possible interesting options (4 that could either go somewhere, or completely nowhere!)
so I will start with that... and if this doesnt take too long... then i will pick an old story to bring some laughs in...
so, back story number 1 (ties in to last post) Officer in the army... black tie dinner night... said he wasnt interested (honest at least)...
day before i flew home to my parents for christmas... i get a text from him... !!! 2 months no communication.. hey, hope you have a good christmas.. was it ... u were going to for xmas?
random...? purpose? unknown... but im polite.. replied thanks... have fun in france with the ski season (his original plan).. then i decided... new year.. why not... last wednesday i texted to wish a happy new year, assuming maybe he was back from france.. and he texted back on friday... specifying hes back in my town on sunday............... so i hinted that getting together would be fun... seems interested.... left at that for now... (that is option 1.... somewhere... nowhere,.. could go either way!)
Option 2: email from a guy on online dating site on 31st jan... pretty fit, muscly... ex army, now is a bodyguard.. seems nice enough.. is in iraq at present but is back in town in 2 weeks and might want to meet................. (never met before so could be full on dud.. only 1 inch taller than me! hrmmm.... could be something.. or nothing?)
Option 3: when i first started internet dating... went out once with a firefighter.... impromptu spontaneous night... i behaved, but we had fun drinking and playing games... he met someone so that never went anywhere... but sometime mid summer he added me on fb... (relationship status-gf) poked me on fb a few times... then we started emailing again.... hes since broken up with gf... and latest email hints at meeting up...... hrmmm....... (local so thats a plus... liked me once, could go well... has a girls name! not so keen!!! LOL im picky!)
Option 4.... my preferred choice... saving best for last...
met this guy on a course beginning of december... 5 years older than me... same profession as me, but also army officer... bit of a silver fox.. speaks various languages, funny... good at accents, intelligent, well travelled.... fits with me.... ---- problem : GIRLFRIEND hmmm... polish gf he met in salsa classes..... communication not working with them, so a girl can hope!!! well... that weekend we made good professional contact... so my thinking, play it safe, bide my time..... life is full of surprises! His idea was that one day i should come visit where he would to see what military rehab is like (did i mention, im a physical therapist) .... so we have been emailing, and in 2 weeks i am going to visit and see what its like compared to acute hospital settings..... but also.. i want to see what hes like... and hes letting me sleep in his room while he takes his friends room... hmmmmmmmmm... watch this space!!
so... likelihood? has gf.. so unlikely... but... i have a funny feeling... so who knows!!!
so... it would appear i have 4 possible prospects at present that could either all turn into nothing, or have potential for something...
hmmm.... needless to say... im tired of being alone.. i want to fall in love, want to meet my someone, want to start my life...ive lived plenty, but i feel its not as fun if i can't share it.
so.... the options are: 4: unattainable
3: repeat offence from a year ago
2: new and unknown territory
1: fun and exciting, but let me down once already..
HELP! lol... i like all 4....
and ill end up with none... guaranteed ;)
i dont feel like filling in with an old story now, as it would be hard to choose one, just to say.... everything happens for a reason, everyone we meet has a purpose...... the next 3 weeks will say what happens next..... ill be sure to update on the progress of the 4 projects...
in the meantime, i hope and pray that you all had an amazing christmas, and that this year has started strong... resolutions are cheesy, but i think its therapeutic to reminisce and self evaluate the things we can improve in ourselves...
my resolutions? going to sign up to crossfit (ready to physically die) and want to see 2014 in by kissing my soulmate..... gives me 12 months!
wish me luck fellow travellers..... life is a rollercoaster, made for adrenaline addicts of all sorts.. love gives adrenaline of the best kind and thats what i need....
ill be back...
xx
Still lonely, but hopeful
Monday, 5 November 2012
Princess for a day
Hello friends,
sorry for the break, life caught up with me and i was a bit too busy living in the moment to spend time reliving the past... but as life always has a way of showing... i am back to where i was, lonely and alone...and apparently on a mildly self destructive path of mayhem that needs to be reigned in before i do too many stupid things at once...
for tonight I have a fun story, with a sad ending... but one that I don't regret...
I have dabbled a bit in the online dating world... always up for trying to meet new interesting people... well... about 4 weeks ago i may have jumped on the silly -uniform dating- website.. how cliche right?
well... i had a few messages, and one guy seemed nice enough. We started emailing back and forth.. turned out he was a lieutenant in the army (i'll confess.. i live in england) so british army.. anyways...one of the things i liked the most about him was the fact that he had apparently moved around a lot growing up, like me... and gave me hope that maybe out there i can find someone a little bit more like me, unstable yet adaptable.
We emailed for a few days, and then he finally asked me out to the movies and to dinner... to which i accepted....
initial impression... not as cute as his pics... and a bit short... but he soon won me over by the end of the night... we went to a pub after the movie and had some drinks while listening to random people sing karaoke ridiculously well, and had a good laugh at it... by the end of the night i was hopeful.. He walked me home... yes, there was some kissing... but i behaved otherwise (lately for me that seems to be a feat to be proud of)
what i will say, and this might be borderline tmi for some of you... when we kissed in the entrance to my building, for some reason i kinda wrapped a leg around him, and all of a sudden he had lifted me up fully and was kissing me up against the wall..... now let me just say.... OH LORDY... lol... i made him leave right then and there... never ever ever had i been with a guy that could lift me up like that!! yikes.. took every ounce of self restraint to let him leave in one piece.. but anyways... i was challenging myself to behave so that was that...
We texted that night... (thurs night) and he mentioned he was going to be away that weekend, but asked what time i finished work the next day... !! keen bean eh? so, he popped round on the friday to hang out a bit.. we got pizza... enjoyed some more of that fun kissing... and yet still i behaved...! : )
over the weekend he texted me... and then again when he got back into town sunday night...
In the meantime .. that weekend... well, lets just say i was up to my old party ways and may have strayed from the straight and narrow path of good girldom... and thus by sunday evening i was in my usual self loathing stage of.. why oh why did i do all that?
so in my texts to him... i let on that i was feeling down.. and really felt like having some cuddles......
so... at midnight.. on a sunday night, he drives over to me.. and stayed till about 2.. just for cuddles! i behaved yet again... and this time... he asked me what i was doing the following saturday... asking if i wanted to go to a black tie dinner with him at the army barracks... a ladies night with all the officers...
EEEEEEKKKKK haha, i was in shock.. and so excited! I have never ever been to anything that fancy before in my life!
Of course i said yes.... but how dare he give me one weeks notice... i needed to get a dress and all the bits... and had work all week and no time to shop!!! enter female panic mode here!
we also decided on going out again wednesday.. where we went to dinner at an amazing restaurant (he paid) and then to see another movie... 4th date..i figured he had earned what he got next.. lol.. anyways...
saturday comes... and into town i go with two trusty friends.. hoping for their girly expertise (i've always been a bit crap at girly)
we wander the town for a few hours... until i have almost given up.. and in this little boutique shop.. i find a nice simple long black dress... and my friend picks out this very large gold coloured neckalce and asks me to try it with the dress... when i stepped out of the changing room... all the ladies in the boutique shop just started going... oohhhhhhh!!! :D i automatically felt like a princess... loved every minute of it...
saturday evening arrives... he had asked me to go round his place early ish to check me into the barracks etc.. so i was going to have to get ready in his room... sigh... i managed... lol..
when i came out of the bathroom all done.. his words to describe me... GORGEOUS.. :)
down we went... where i spent the evening mingling with the officers and their wives or girlfriends... food was amazing.. alcohol never stopped flowing... i got to run around with an AK-47 at the end of the night... (pics to prove) and had an amazing time...
but like all fairy tales.... my chariot would soon be a pumpkin...
i stayed round that night.. and we basically spent sunday in a hungover state of woops... too much alcohol ...
well.. i skipped a bit... i dont quite remember the end of the night (way too much drink) but i woke up at about 5 am.... in his shorts and sweatshirt.. in a sleeping bag... on the floor outside his bathroom.......... confusion sets in... and i ask... what am i doing here??? his answer... well... after i was nakedly throwing up in the toilet... i apparently didn't want to sleep too far from the bathroom..... KILL ME NOW!!!!!!!!!!! so.... yeah.... im guessing i made a bit of an ass of myself... so what comes next is most likely my fault...
so anyways, monday comes and goes.. a few texts... tuesday we were maybe going to hang out... but in the end he couldn't.. wednesday i went home to my family for 5 days... he wasn't doing much of the texting while i was away at all...then when i got sick of waiting.. i texted on the saturday.. and found out that he was going to be away the whole following week on a course... I was noticing he didn't seem anywhere near as interested as before... and one of my suspicions was... maybe he just wanted a date to that dinner all along.... :( on the one hand... i still would have gone, it was a once in a lifetime experience, on the other hand... he could have just said so to start with??
anyways... i got back from my trip... texted him... didnt hear anything for a few days, so texted again.. and just flat out asked him...if something had changed or if he was just busy..
his response was... "you're right, i'm not as keen as i was 2 weeks ago... things went too fast, and its my fault for the dinner, dont get me wrong, you're fun, but we went from never having met to that in 10 days"..... WTF!!! he's the one that made it go so fast@@!!! not me!
SIGH
so..... needless to say... i had an amazing two weeks... but im still a bit sad, as everytime i think i see potential in someone...something just destroys my hopes..
now i know my friends say i'm looking too hard, and should take a break, and love will find me when i least expect it, but i'm 30... im all alone in this country, i have friends... but they all have their own lives too to get back to and their families.. or boyfriends... or anything else like that... i have my family... but they are far away, and im starting to reach the stage where maybe i want my own family... not kids yet... but someone to start growing a life with...
no matter how many things i achieve in my career... no matter how hard i work, and how hard i play.. the end result is always the same....
sitting in my room.... a little bit sad.. a little bit lonely.. finding myself seeking the wrong kind of attention to ease the loneliness....
im running as fast as i can... but life is catching up with me, and i can't hide from it forever!
moral of this story?
I have no idea... never be scared to love... never be scared to hope... i learnt this time and time again... i always find someone else to give me hope... one day, i will find the right one.. but in the meantime i can try to have fun with all the wrong ones right?
so thats me back from the dead... i'll try to do an old story for my next entry... something comical to bring up the mood..
hope you are all still enjoying this journey...it feels good to share it, helps to talk through it somehow.
thank you all for reading.
xx
sorry for the break, life caught up with me and i was a bit too busy living in the moment to spend time reliving the past... but as life always has a way of showing... i am back to where i was, lonely and alone...and apparently on a mildly self destructive path of mayhem that needs to be reigned in before i do too many stupid things at once...
for tonight I have a fun story, with a sad ending... but one that I don't regret...
I have dabbled a bit in the online dating world... always up for trying to meet new interesting people... well... about 4 weeks ago i may have jumped on the silly -uniform dating- website.. how cliche right?
well... i had a few messages, and one guy seemed nice enough. We started emailing back and forth.. turned out he was a lieutenant in the army (i'll confess.. i live in england) so british army.. anyways...one of the things i liked the most about him was the fact that he had apparently moved around a lot growing up, like me... and gave me hope that maybe out there i can find someone a little bit more like me, unstable yet adaptable.
We emailed for a few days, and then he finally asked me out to the movies and to dinner... to which i accepted....
initial impression... not as cute as his pics... and a bit short... but he soon won me over by the end of the night... we went to a pub after the movie and had some drinks while listening to random people sing karaoke ridiculously well, and had a good laugh at it... by the end of the night i was hopeful.. He walked me home... yes, there was some kissing... but i behaved otherwise (lately for me that seems to be a feat to be proud of)
what i will say, and this might be borderline tmi for some of you... when we kissed in the entrance to my building, for some reason i kinda wrapped a leg around him, and all of a sudden he had lifted me up fully and was kissing me up against the wall..... now let me just say.... OH LORDY... lol... i made him leave right then and there... never ever ever had i been with a guy that could lift me up like that!! yikes.. took every ounce of self restraint to let him leave in one piece.. but anyways... i was challenging myself to behave so that was that...
We texted that night... (thurs night) and he mentioned he was going to be away that weekend, but asked what time i finished work the next day... !! keen bean eh? so, he popped round on the friday to hang out a bit.. we got pizza... enjoyed some more of that fun kissing... and yet still i behaved...! : )
over the weekend he texted me... and then again when he got back into town sunday night...
In the meantime .. that weekend... well, lets just say i was up to my old party ways and may have strayed from the straight and narrow path of good girldom... and thus by sunday evening i was in my usual self loathing stage of.. why oh why did i do all that?
so in my texts to him... i let on that i was feeling down.. and really felt like having some cuddles......
so... at midnight.. on a sunday night, he drives over to me.. and stayed till about 2.. just for cuddles! i behaved yet again... and this time... he asked me what i was doing the following saturday... asking if i wanted to go to a black tie dinner with him at the army barracks... a ladies night with all the officers...
EEEEEEKKKKK haha, i was in shock.. and so excited! I have never ever been to anything that fancy before in my life!
Of course i said yes.... but how dare he give me one weeks notice... i needed to get a dress and all the bits... and had work all week and no time to shop!!! enter female panic mode here!
we also decided on going out again wednesday.. where we went to dinner at an amazing restaurant (he paid) and then to see another movie... 4th date..i figured he had earned what he got next.. lol.. anyways...
saturday comes... and into town i go with two trusty friends.. hoping for their girly expertise (i've always been a bit crap at girly)
we wander the town for a few hours... until i have almost given up.. and in this little boutique shop.. i find a nice simple long black dress... and my friend picks out this very large gold coloured neckalce and asks me to try it with the dress... when i stepped out of the changing room... all the ladies in the boutique shop just started going... oohhhhhhh!!! :D i automatically felt like a princess... loved every minute of it...
saturday evening arrives... he had asked me to go round his place early ish to check me into the barracks etc.. so i was going to have to get ready in his room... sigh... i managed... lol..
when i came out of the bathroom all done.. his words to describe me... GORGEOUS.. :)
down we went... where i spent the evening mingling with the officers and their wives or girlfriends... food was amazing.. alcohol never stopped flowing... i got to run around with an AK-47 at the end of the night... (pics to prove) and had an amazing time...
but like all fairy tales.... my chariot would soon be a pumpkin...
i stayed round that night.. and we basically spent sunday in a hungover state of woops... too much alcohol ...
well.. i skipped a bit... i dont quite remember the end of the night (way too much drink) but i woke up at about 5 am.... in his shorts and sweatshirt.. in a sleeping bag... on the floor outside his bathroom.......... confusion sets in... and i ask... what am i doing here??? his answer... well... after i was nakedly throwing up in the toilet... i apparently didn't want to sleep too far from the bathroom..... KILL ME NOW!!!!!!!!!!! so.... yeah.... im guessing i made a bit of an ass of myself... so what comes next is most likely my fault...
so anyways, monday comes and goes.. a few texts... tuesday we were maybe going to hang out... but in the end he couldn't.. wednesday i went home to my family for 5 days... he wasn't doing much of the texting while i was away at all...then when i got sick of waiting.. i texted on the saturday.. and found out that he was going to be away the whole following week on a course... I was noticing he didn't seem anywhere near as interested as before... and one of my suspicions was... maybe he just wanted a date to that dinner all along.... :( on the one hand... i still would have gone, it was a once in a lifetime experience, on the other hand... he could have just said so to start with??
anyways... i got back from my trip... texted him... didnt hear anything for a few days, so texted again.. and just flat out asked him...if something had changed or if he was just busy..
his response was... "you're right, i'm not as keen as i was 2 weeks ago... things went too fast, and its my fault for the dinner, dont get me wrong, you're fun, but we went from never having met to that in 10 days"..... WTF!!! he's the one that made it go so fast@@!!! not me!
SIGH
so..... needless to say... i had an amazing two weeks... but im still a bit sad, as everytime i think i see potential in someone...something just destroys my hopes..
now i know my friends say i'm looking too hard, and should take a break, and love will find me when i least expect it, but i'm 30... im all alone in this country, i have friends... but they all have their own lives too to get back to and their families.. or boyfriends... or anything else like that... i have my family... but they are far away, and im starting to reach the stage where maybe i want my own family... not kids yet... but someone to start growing a life with...
no matter how many things i achieve in my career... no matter how hard i work, and how hard i play.. the end result is always the same....
sitting in my room.... a little bit sad.. a little bit lonely.. finding myself seeking the wrong kind of attention to ease the loneliness....
im running as fast as i can... but life is catching up with me, and i can't hide from it forever!
moral of this story?
I have no idea... never be scared to love... never be scared to hope... i learnt this time and time again... i always find someone else to give me hope... one day, i will find the right one.. but in the meantime i can try to have fun with all the wrong ones right?
so thats me back from the dead... i'll try to do an old story for my next entry... something comical to bring up the mood..
hope you are all still enjoying this journey...it feels good to share it, helps to talk through it somehow.
thank you all for reading.
xx
Sunday, 30 September 2012
Food for thought...
This isn't going to be a standard entry...
i felt that sometimes i may need to feed your minds with something more than funny stories... a life lesson perhaps? a random poem that i may have written about one of the many men i have fallen in and out of love with perhaps?
We can start with a pearl of fresh wisdom...
it has come to my recent attention... a moment of clarity you could call it.... I think of all the guys i have had long loving relationships with, i was only actually really in love with one.... looking back.... i never really loved the others like i did that one... i simply loved how they differed from their predecessor!
Look back on your lost "loves", or the "one's that didn't work".... did you tell them you loved them? did you break their heart at the end of it?
if so.... did you ever REALLY love them? or was it the thought of them you loved... he's so much funnier than so and so.... he's more caring.... he's less of a wuss... he's more mature.... he's less mature.... he's more spontaneous... he's more dependable....
all comparisons...
so.... did you love him for him... or did you love the comparisons... and then in time... realized deep down that it was never really right?
I only clocked this fact a few weeks ago.... and i couldn't have been more blind to the past 7 years (3 relationships) of my life... i told each that i loved them.... but i know, i didn't do them justice....
we refer to men as assholes and the likes..... but when they fall in love, they are lost... i always figured we were more fickle... and could fall in and out of love more easily... guess i was wrong again (at least in regards to me) we don't fall in love all that often at all... and it takes so much to really love some one, comparison free, love them for them... and i wish with all my heart that i will be able to love like that again.
It's a scary thought though, that real love only comes once in a while... if you are lucky... i've only known it once.. and he's lost to me forever...... so how can i stop comparing every other man to him? I hope one day i meet someone who takes my breath away, and who is all the man i could ever want or need, to the point that i can forget my long sordid past and move forward with my life, someone to take my breath away and make me feel like i am the only other person on the planet (without feeling suffocating..)
it's a nice thought...
and now.... how about one of those silly poems? or three... to show the maleable mindset of a girl lost in this world...
--- all alone---
i felt that sometimes i may need to feed your minds with something more than funny stories... a life lesson perhaps? a random poem that i may have written about one of the many men i have fallen in and out of love with perhaps?
We can start with a pearl of fresh wisdom...
it has come to my recent attention... a moment of clarity you could call it.... I think of all the guys i have had long loving relationships with, i was only actually really in love with one.... looking back.... i never really loved the others like i did that one... i simply loved how they differed from their predecessor!
Look back on your lost "loves", or the "one's that didn't work".... did you tell them you loved them? did you break their heart at the end of it?
if so.... did you ever REALLY love them? or was it the thought of them you loved... he's so much funnier than so and so.... he's more caring.... he's less of a wuss... he's more mature.... he's less mature.... he's more spontaneous... he's more dependable....
all comparisons...
so.... did you love him for him... or did you love the comparisons... and then in time... realized deep down that it was never really right?
I only clocked this fact a few weeks ago.... and i couldn't have been more blind to the past 7 years (3 relationships) of my life... i told each that i loved them.... but i know, i didn't do them justice....
we refer to men as assholes and the likes..... but when they fall in love, they are lost... i always figured we were more fickle... and could fall in and out of love more easily... guess i was wrong again (at least in regards to me) we don't fall in love all that often at all... and it takes so much to really love some one, comparison free, love them for them... and i wish with all my heart that i will be able to love like that again.
It's a scary thought though, that real love only comes once in a while... if you are lucky... i've only known it once.. and he's lost to me forever...... so how can i stop comparing every other man to him? I hope one day i meet someone who takes my breath away, and who is all the man i could ever want or need, to the point that i can forget my long sordid past and move forward with my life, someone to take my breath away and make me feel like i am the only other person on the planet (without feeling suffocating..)
it's a nice thought...
and now.... how about one of those silly poems? or three... to show the maleable mindset of a girl lost in this world...
--- all alone---
Alone in my thoughts
Alone in my life
Smile and laughs
Create the façade
Dark times approach
Self-discovery and reproach
While spinning,
The world goes on
My head spinning
Opposing the flow
Fighting my instincts
Controlling emotions
Expressing myself
Solely in my thoughts
The melancholy of alone
Equals to the sadness of the crowd
No difference but truth
Raw emotions will appear
Seen in my reflection
Yet not by the outside
Solace in the knowledge
That my façade is strong
And I will be strong.
All Alone
-7-8-2012
and the mood can evolve..... within a few weeks:
--soulmates---
Soulmates
Is there such a thing
A dream within a dream
Life without death
Completion
My heart aches
Loneliness transpires
You were mine
I gave you away
I broke my heart
Im broken and battered
Unable to love
The way we loved
Unable to feel
The way we felt
Unable to see
Anyone but you
You’re happy now
She fits your heart
I wish you the best
For all eternity
Your soulmate
You found
My soulmate
I lost
Will I ever be whole again?
28-8-12
to hope.............
--hopeful again--
Hopeful again,
Smiling when I think of him
Worried when I understand
Too scared to feel
Both him and me
One day at a time
Am I able to go slow
When I already know
Don’t want him to go
Can’t let it show
Could it be
Amazing you and me?
Can you see
Me for me?
Im nervous,
You appear impervious
Strong as you act?
Or scared of me too,
So hard to read
When the lights are off
Blue eyes like the sky
Tell no lies, we fly
Can we fly away
Together?
16-9-12
Hope that was food enough for thought.... i'm still alone.... but im stronger, and patient.... and will continue to tell you all the stories of my past and bring you through the long journey of life experiences that have slowly made me me..... even if you don't know me... maybe you're like me and this helps you in some way understand your own life.
Much love to all...
life is all about the chaos ... the uncertainty... and the beauty in surprises that make you smile... find something to be surprised by every day and you will always have a smile on your face.
xxxx
Wednesday, 19 September 2012
flashforward to present day... in crisis
Well, My intention for the next entry was continuing in the past......... but circumstances of the present have gotten into my head as such that i need to rant about it and get over it by writing about it...
Without explaining the whole backlog of recent months (this will all come eventually anyways) jumping straight into this one story.... Gym Trainer... cliche i know!
So I signed up to the gym back in january, new years resolution, bla bla... the usual....
I had my induction at the gym with a trainer who was pretty cute, but i paid no mind at the time. The guy measured my fat and flab for crying out loud!!! No chance there!
well... months later... August.... i've been a good girl, gym goer and the likes.... had a bf in between times... and broke up with my boyfriend first week of august.
So... one day i bring a friend with me to the gym, and when we get in there, this trainer guy is at reception (i had still spoken to him on and off over the months, but nothing of consequence) so she and i stop to chat to him, as lately hes become a lot more friendly..... we go in to get changed, and she starts telling me how cute he is, and how he was clearly flirting with me... i didn't see it, but she planted the seed in my head, and this seed started sprouting ideas in my mind......
next day i come to the gym, and had a little chat with him, i wanted a remeasure on all my fat and crap to see if i had made any progress since january, so he re did all the initial tests, result though... i had lost fat! yay :) super sidenote...
but yeah, the next week, on my way out, i saw him sitting in one of the offices, so i poked my head in to say hi, and he gets all chatty again, and says its his last week at the gym, filling in his resignation right there...
then he goes on to saying how he'd love to keep in touch and hang out sometime, maybe get a drink sometime, and i say yeah, that could be fun... and then he's like... well hey, you should give me your number.... so i gave him my number!!!
Needles to say, i was surprised, smiley, and quite giddy.... hadn't met a guy the old fashioned way like this in ages... and it was just so refreshing.
He texted me later that night, to let me know his number.. and said that i always made him smile... :)
Next day when i'm leaving the gym, he's at reception so i pop over to say bye... and we start chatting.. and somehow, he starts hinting at maybe going to the cinema.. but then the reception got busy and he had work to do.. and i needed a shower!! so i went home... and was thinking.... did he ask me out? or was he just chatting shit? so i just jumped the gun and texted him and asked him if that had been his way of asking me to the cinema? he said no... but then said he wouldn't mind going to the cinema if i wanted.. and also mentioned that there was a restaurant that did 2 for 1 on meals that night too... so all of a sudden, ive gone from no plans, to dinner and a movie!!
I met him at the restaurant, and my was he looking hot!!! looked so much better in normal clothes than the gym uniform... he was a box full of surprises.. we talked and talked at dinner...and i discovered that his being a gym trainer was only a teeny teeny small bit of him...
anyways.... dinner overran so we never made the film... but went for drinks instead... then he gave me a ride home... had a delicious first kiss in the car.... for like 15 minutes.... until i had to get out otherwise he would have followed me in..........
we texted a bit that night... but in one of the texts he informed me he wasn't looking for a relationship right now... tbh, neither was i! had just a slightly messed up end to my previous one... so really needed a break from the boyfriend drama... so worked perfect!!!
he did say though that he wanted to get to know me and hang out.. and wasn't just about sex... fair enough...
we hung out a few more times during the week.... i totally gave in to my impulses on the second date.. oh well..... was fun.. so am glad i did ;) he's a good gym trainer... in way too many ways, haha..... if you get me?
Anywayyssssss.... this last friday... he came over straight from work as i live next to the station he commutes to work from... we were planning a chilled evening, i was gonna cook us dinner, we were gonna watch movies, and he was going to stay round for a chilled out morning...
all this went to plan... sadly..... i had too much fun... liked his company too much..... he helped me cook... did dishes... laughed and joked with me... let slip that he'd mentioned me to his mother... and some of his close mates... and here im thinking.... (like the stupid stupid stupidddddd girl that i will always hopelessly be) he must like me more than he lets on.... maybe hes swaying in my direction??
now... im supposed to move out of my flat next weekend... and he said he was going to help with the move in the morning....
so.. last i saw him was saturday morning.... sunday while im sorting stuff out... it hits me.... FUCK! i like this guy.... damnit!! im not supposed to like him... at least not this soon.... its too soon to tell him without scaring him off.... so i figure.. ok, i can play it cool for now... at least i know im seeing him next sunday... so thats ok.....
we texted a bit monday....
nothing tuesday...
then today... i caved and texted... just to see how his day had been... he replies... cant help me with the move due to some crap excuse about being with his dad... my initial reply was pissy but then i replied again saying it was ok... and jokingly asked when i might see him,.. to which he says... he wants to see me... but he's busy for the next 2 weeks straight including weekends...
WTF!!! who am i kidding......... if he wanted to see me he could find time somewhere couldn't he?? its not his fault mind you... he made it clear the first day what he wanted... and i stupidlyyyyy was unable to keep my feelings out... and now... i'm at an impass..... didn't realize until just now how much i like this idiot... which makes me an even bigger idiot....
we had an agreement to tell each other if either of us develops feelings... as we don't want either of us to get hurt... so do i tell him??? its clear he's not as interested as i am... and i'm sitting here alone... lonely... sad... even shed a few stupid tears for him...
well.... im going to tell him... i'm going to text and tell him that i messed up the agreement and developed feelings.... and so we shouldn't hang out anymore... as i can't keep my feelings out anymore...
time to move on again.....
alone...
sigh....
writing about the past is more fun. this hurts too much still...
moral of the story... 30 years down the road... all the mistakes ive made.... yep, still making them... can't teach this old dog any new tricks can you?
oh well.
Next chapter will be where the story last left off (not from this)
Love to all... ... SIGH!!!!!!!!
peace out!
xx
Without explaining the whole backlog of recent months (this will all come eventually anyways) jumping straight into this one story.... Gym Trainer... cliche i know!
So I signed up to the gym back in january, new years resolution, bla bla... the usual....
I had my induction at the gym with a trainer who was pretty cute, but i paid no mind at the time. The guy measured my fat and flab for crying out loud!!! No chance there!
well... months later... August.... i've been a good girl, gym goer and the likes.... had a bf in between times... and broke up with my boyfriend first week of august.
So... one day i bring a friend with me to the gym, and when we get in there, this trainer guy is at reception (i had still spoken to him on and off over the months, but nothing of consequence) so she and i stop to chat to him, as lately hes become a lot more friendly..... we go in to get changed, and she starts telling me how cute he is, and how he was clearly flirting with me... i didn't see it, but she planted the seed in my head, and this seed started sprouting ideas in my mind......
next day i come to the gym, and had a little chat with him, i wanted a remeasure on all my fat and crap to see if i had made any progress since january, so he re did all the initial tests, result though... i had lost fat! yay :) super sidenote...
but yeah, the next week, on my way out, i saw him sitting in one of the offices, so i poked my head in to say hi, and he gets all chatty again, and says its his last week at the gym, filling in his resignation right there...
then he goes on to saying how he'd love to keep in touch and hang out sometime, maybe get a drink sometime, and i say yeah, that could be fun... and then he's like... well hey, you should give me your number.... so i gave him my number!!!
Needles to say, i was surprised, smiley, and quite giddy.... hadn't met a guy the old fashioned way like this in ages... and it was just so refreshing.
He texted me later that night, to let me know his number.. and said that i always made him smile... :)
Next day when i'm leaving the gym, he's at reception so i pop over to say bye... and we start chatting.. and somehow, he starts hinting at maybe going to the cinema.. but then the reception got busy and he had work to do.. and i needed a shower!! so i went home... and was thinking.... did he ask me out? or was he just chatting shit? so i just jumped the gun and texted him and asked him if that had been his way of asking me to the cinema? he said no... but then said he wouldn't mind going to the cinema if i wanted.. and also mentioned that there was a restaurant that did 2 for 1 on meals that night too... so all of a sudden, ive gone from no plans, to dinner and a movie!!
I met him at the restaurant, and my was he looking hot!!! looked so much better in normal clothes than the gym uniform... he was a box full of surprises.. we talked and talked at dinner...and i discovered that his being a gym trainer was only a teeny teeny small bit of him...
anyways.... dinner overran so we never made the film... but went for drinks instead... then he gave me a ride home... had a delicious first kiss in the car.... for like 15 minutes.... until i had to get out otherwise he would have followed me in..........
we texted a bit that night... but in one of the texts he informed me he wasn't looking for a relationship right now... tbh, neither was i! had just a slightly messed up end to my previous one... so really needed a break from the boyfriend drama... so worked perfect!!!
he did say though that he wanted to get to know me and hang out.. and wasn't just about sex... fair enough...
we hung out a few more times during the week.... i totally gave in to my impulses on the second date.. oh well..... was fun.. so am glad i did ;) he's a good gym trainer... in way too many ways, haha..... if you get me?
Anywayyssssss.... this last friday... he came over straight from work as i live next to the station he commutes to work from... we were planning a chilled evening, i was gonna cook us dinner, we were gonna watch movies, and he was going to stay round for a chilled out morning...
all this went to plan... sadly..... i had too much fun... liked his company too much..... he helped me cook... did dishes... laughed and joked with me... let slip that he'd mentioned me to his mother... and some of his close mates... and here im thinking.... (like the stupid stupid stupidddddd girl that i will always hopelessly be) he must like me more than he lets on.... maybe hes swaying in my direction??
now... im supposed to move out of my flat next weekend... and he said he was going to help with the move in the morning....
so.. last i saw him was saturday morning.... sunday while im sorting stuff out... it hits me.... FUCK! i like this guy.... damnit!! im not supposed to like him... at least not this soon.... its too soon to tell him without scaring him off.... so i figure.. ok, i can play it cool for now... at least i know im seeing him next sunday... so thats ok.....
we texted a bit monday....
nothing tuesday...
then today... i caved and texted... just to see how his day had been... he replies... cant help me with the move due to some crap excuse about being with his dad... my initial reply was pissy but then i replied again saying it was ok... and jokingly asked when i might see him,.. to which he says... he wants to see me... but he's busy for the next 2 weeks straight including weekends...
WTF!!! who am i kidding......... if he wanted to see me he could find time somewhere couldn't he?? its not his fault mind you... he made it clear the first day what he wanted... and i stupidlyyyyy was unable to keep my feelings out... and now... i'm at an impass..... didn't realize until just now how much i like this idiot... which makes me an even bigger idiot....
we had an agreement to tell each other if either of us develops feelings... as we don't want either of us to get hurt... so do i tell him??? its clear he's not as interested as i am... and i'm sitting here alone... lonely... sad... even shed a few stupid tears for him...
well.... im going to tell him... i'm going to text and tell him that i messed up the agreement and developed feelings.... and so we shouldn't hang out anymore... as i can't keep my feelings out anymore...
time to move on again.....
alone...
sigh....
writing about the past is more fun. this hurts too much still...
moral of the story... 30 years down the road... all the mistakes ive made.... yep, still making them... can't teach this old dog any new tricks can you?
oh well.
Next chapter will be where the story last left off (not from this)
Love to all... ... SIGH!!!!!!!!
peace out!
xx
Saturday, 15 September 2012
My many firsts all in one... but not my lasts ..
Saturday night here again, wine bottle half drunk, alone reminiscing on the past, smiling about the present, and hopeful about the future.....
Being 30 and single, when so many of my friends my age are married (and in many cases even with children) makes me wonder if maybe i need to get my act together and settle down..... ah hell, who am I kidding, i have been having way too much fun lately : )
The big plan, yes, to settle down, kids, house... the whole shabang...... but the more years I live, the better i get to know myself and what I like and don't like in regards to finding that person i may want to spend the rest of my life with... it appears I am getting pickier and pickier!! That being said.... when you least expect to find him.... he may just appear... not implying anyone fitting the description has made an entrance just yet, but there's always maybe...
Anyways... before one gets picky on their choices... they must start out with an open mind to all sorts in order to see what's hot... and what's not! So although I implied a visit to the present... I lied! Lets hit a story of firsts... first love.... first "real" boyfriend... first time.... and first infidelity on my part!
Picking up from our previous chapter .... the fateful night of ex vs doc north boy vs ex's bestie.... as you my recall, ex's bestie won that battle..... and then went on to become my first real boyfriend!
We shall change his name to surfer boy, (more endearing than ex's bestie :) ).
So surfer boy was to be my my first on many fronts. he was the first guy i felt like saying i loved, (although sometimes i thought he loved my parents more) and 3 months into our relationship (i was 18.. and still very shy) he became my other kind of first...
Now, without bringing this from PG to rated 18, how many of you out there look back on your first time and think.... CRINGEEEE!!! or ...awkward?? yeah.. well.... how could i dare be different? he was having a little get together at his dads flat as his dad was out of town. A bunch of my friends, and some of his surfer friends. Music, drink, the usual....
we ended up in his room... etc etc etc.. a very short 5-10 minutes later if even.... no glove no love theory applied....... BUT.......... glove came off.............inside!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CRISIS!!!
extraction successful.... i laughed it off, however, he panicked and got me to go with him in a taxi to the emergency room...... (cue AWKWARD!!!) Try explaining to ER doc that yeah.... so, we were doin it... and it came off... inside...... Doc's question: is it still in there? Surfer bf: No, we got it out, Doc: sorry, why are you here then??? (me embarrassed beyond recognition) Doc says: just go to GP in the morning for morning after pill.....
Now, if that was the end of it, surviveable... however.. this did all happen while all our friends were still in the flat...... therefore, they ALL knew about it immediately!!!!!! we all look back and laugh at this profusely now :)
If there is one thing I am happy about, is the fact that in the years to follow I have had many more enjoyable experiences to make up for that first awkward one, and to restore my faith in all the hubbub about sex...
I was with surfer boy for about a year and a half. He was sweet, loving, a pushover (first of many), and had the hottest best friend (another surfer) which i had the biggest crush on for ages!!! (another story for another chapter... but i did eventually get the other guy too :P ).
Our end came about near the end of my first year of university. I had been living in dorms in another town by my university for the year, so was only seeing him on the weekends. I had made a lot of new friends in the dorms and we had a tendency to have bbq's in the field behind the dorm, get drunk, and be idiots... One night a guy that normally didnt hang out with us joined the party..... i have no recollection of his name.. just his face and torso... muscled... square jaw.... played guitar and although his native language wasn't english, he could sing offspring songs in english perfectly!!! I could barely contain the drool watching him play... and amazingly enough, for the first time in my existence, the hot guy was interested in me too!!!!!!! 20 years waiting for this moment....
I caved, alcohol... hot man.... own room.... yeah, i never stood a chance. It was innocent though, just kissing and rolling around.. clothes on, but still...... I was raised a catholic, however i didn't feel guilty! First sign that something wasn't right...
I confessed to my surfer boy, (secretly I wanted him to leave me) he broke up with me... but two weeks later he was asking to get back together (did i mention pushover??) I said no, as i couldn't guarantee it wouldn't happen again!
I went on to have a very messy.... eventful.... and fun two years being single after that breakup :)
CONCLUSION...
I suck at knowing when I don't want to be with someone... so i go by my instincts and my behaviour.. My behaviour proved to me that he clearly wasn't the one... that being said... i hated hurting him by telling him about the cheating... and told myself i never wanted to hurt a guy like that again!
We are still friends to this day... not hugely active friendship.. but friends nonetheless...
I have seen him since... and the long curly blonde hair he had when i met him has been replaced by a mostly bald head...
I have also since discovered that... well.... a guy doing the "windmill" naked is not sexy.. or attractive... and can be a little disturbing... hell... i can say i made the right choice :)
I regret nothing from my time with him, i learned about sex a little... (very shy still at this point) learned a bit about love... and learned a lot about the complications that arise when you are no longer in love with someone...
It will always be better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all...
-------- Next chapter..... two years of being single..... messy times summed up :) stay tuned! Happy weekend! xx
Being 30 and single, when so many of my friends my age are married (and in many cases even with children) makes me wonder if maybe i need to get my act together and settle down..... ah hell, who am I kidding, i have been having way too much fun lately : )
The big plan, yes, to settle down, kids, house... the whole shabang...... but the more years I live, the better i get to know myself and what I like and don't like in regards to finding that person i may want to spend the rest of my life with... it appears I am getting pickier and pickier!! That being said.... when you least expect to find him.... he may just appear... not implying anyone fitting the description has made an entrance just yet, but there's always maybe...
Anyways... before one gets picky on their choices... they must start out with an open mind to all sorts in order to see what's hot... and what's not! So although I implied a visit to the present... I lied! Lets hit a story of firsts... first love.... first "real" boyfriend... first time.... and first infidelity on my part!
Picking up from our previous chapter .... the fateful night of ex vs doc north boy vs ex's bestie.... as you my recall, ex's bestie won that battle..... and then went on to become my first real boyfriend!
We shall change his name to surfer boy, (more endearing than ex's bestie :) ).
So surfer boy was to be my my first on many fronts. he was the first guy i felt like saying i loved, (although sometimes i thought he loved my parents more) and 3 months into our relationship (i was 18.. and still very shy) he became my other kind of first...
Now, without bringing this from PG to rated 18, how many of you out there look back on your first time and think.... CRINGEEEE!!! or ...awkward?? yeah.. well.... how could i dare be different? he was having a little get together at his dads flat as his dad was out of town. A bunch of my friends, and some of his surfer friends. Music, drink, the usual....
we ended up in his room... etc etc etc.. a very short 5-10 minutes later if even.... no glove no love theory applied....... BUT.......... glove came off.............inside!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CRISIS!!!
extraction successful.... i laughed it off, however, he panicked and got me to go with him in a taxi to the emergency room...... (cue AWKWARD!!!) Try explaining to ER doc that yeah.... so, we were doin it... and it came off... inside...... Doc's question: is it still in there? Surfer bf: No, we got it out, Doc: sorry, why are you here then??? (me embarrassed beyond recognition) Doc says: just go to GP in the morning for morning after pill.....
Now, if that was the end of it, surviveable... however.. this did all happen while all our friends were still in the flat...... therefore, they ALL knew about it immediately!!!!!! we all look back and laugh at this profusely now :)
If there is one thing I am happy about, is the fact that in the years to follow I have had many more enjoyable experiences to make up for that first awkward one, and to restore my faith in all the hubbub about sex...
I was with surfer boy for about a year and a half. He was sweet, loving, a pushover (first of many), and had the hottest best friend (another surfer) which i had the biggest crush on for ages!!! (another story for another chapter... but i did eventually get the other guy too :P ).
Our end came about near the end of my first year of university. I had been living in dorms in another town by my university for the year, so was only seeing him on the weekends. I had made a lot of new friends in the dorms and we had a tendency to have bbq's in the field behind the dorm, get drunk, and be idiots... One night a guy that normally didnt hang out with us joined the party..... i have no recollection of his name.. just his face and torso... muscled... square jaw.... played guitar and although his native language wasn't english, he could sing offspring songs in english perfectly!!! I could barely contain the drool watching him play... and amazingly enough, for the first time in my existence, the hot guy was interested in me too!!!!!!! 20 years waiting for this moment....
I caved, alcohol... hot man.... own room.... yeah, i never stood a chance. It was innocent though, just kissing and rolling around.. clothes on, but still...... I was raised a catholic, however i didn't feel guilty! First sign that something wasn't right...
I confessed to my surfer boy, (secretly I wanted him to leave me) he broke up with me... but two weeks later he was asking to get back together (did i mention pushover??) I said no, as i couldn't guarantee it wouldn't happen again!
I went on to have a very messy.... eventful.... and fun two years being single after that breakup :)
CONCLUSION...
I suck at knowing when I don't want to be with someone... so i go by my instincts and my behaviour.. My behaviour proved to me that he clearly wasn't the one... that being said... i hated hurting him by telling him about the cheating... and told myself i never wanted to hurt a guy like that again!
We are still friends to this day... not hugely active friendship.. but friends nonetheless...
I have seen him since... and the long curly blonde hair he had when i met him has been replaced by a mostly bald head...
I have also since discovered that... well.... a guy doing the "windmill" naked is not sexy.. or attractive... and can be a little disturbing... hell... i can say i made the right choice :)
I regret nothing from my time with him, i learned about sex a little... (very shy still at this point) learned a bit about love... and learned a lot about the complications that arise when you are no longer in love with someone...
It will always be better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all...
-------- Next chapter..... two years of being single..... messy times summed up :) stay tuned! Happy weekend! xx
Saturday, 8 September 2012
From none to three... how lucky can I be?
It appears my writing is driven by wine.... or my wine consumption driven by my eagerness to relive the past... who knows, either way, i hope this next phase of my comedic upbringing brings smiles to your faces and nods of understanding, or cringing... or both :D
So, carrying on from where we left off... Internet is a new thing. We had a family computer, and one of my sisters had signed up to yahoo messenger. She apparently left it online all the time.
One day I was sitting at the computer, and got an IM from someone saying.. Hi, how are you?
I replied that I was ok, but that i wasn't my sister (her yahoo msn). he then replied that he didn't know my sister, simply that he read her profile and thought he would say hi....
Being my first experience meeting someone fully online, I can't say it went too bad. This guy was funny, smart, caring. studying medical school, also a football ref in his free time, he lived up north (14 hour drive from me) and liked writing real letters. We exchanged emails and letters for a few months. he became my diary, my confidant. We became very close, to the point where he decided he was going to get a train and come and visit me, this girl he had never before met!!! (we shall name him Doctor north boy)
Meanwhile in my daily life.... i had signed up for driving lessons, and first day of class, i ran into the best friend of a guy i had briefly dated during my previous year in school.... the one thing i will always remember was how good he smelled ... mmmm.... we hung out that week every day before and after class, talking, getting to know each other (token name: ex's bestie).... This being the week before Doctor north boy was due to come and visit.!!!
I started telling ex's bestie about doc north boy, and how i was nervous about meeting him as we had only ever spoken on the phone or by email, and he was going to stay at my house for a week... he simply listened and appeared supportive.
The day came when Doctor north boy arrived. I greeted him at the train station with an awkward hug. Through the months of talking I had developed feelings for this man... but..... in the last week, it had all become topsy turvy with ex's bestie in the picture.... needless to say, confusion was, and always will be, my middle name!
Doc and I hung out, i took him to some sightseeing, and then told him we were invited to a party at my ex's flat (by ex... this was an old school mate that i went out with for a few weeks, but didnt really like in the end). his bestie was going clearly, as well as some other school friends.
We got there... and were drinking, we left the flat to head to the bars, and I found myself walking with ex's bestie. I told him i was so confused as I wasn't used to having 3 guys into me..... he said : "3? well, i guess you're right..." so i told him i felt he might have a solid chance in the running....then we all went out partying. At the end of the night, somehow i found myself with ex, ex's bestie, and doctor north boy..............................walking along the beach, and then the 4 of us sat down.... ex, ex's bestie, me, and doctor north boy. (in that order) I was drunk... nervous... terrified... exhilirated, and confused.
Sitting there for what seemed like hours, i ended up gradually leaning towards ex's bestie, and holding his hand... then at some point we kissed... the world stopped. I looked around and the other two had vanished.
I wanted to worry about Doctor boy as he was supposed to stay at mine, but soon saw that he had merely walked a ways away, and was being a gentleman...
My relationship with ex's bestie went on to become my first serious relationship... almost 2 years running... i lost tough with ex (he got very pissed off that night) and as for Doctor north boy.... well..... he became a doctor, and years later I was finally able to return the favour of the visit. I managed a 14 hour bus journey up to him a few years later with an ecological excuse to go, however once there he kidnapped me from my duties, and took me around his hometown as well as showing me his flat later... :)
the first kiss i had with him was a scary thing... as I knew he had so many mixed feelings for me ( anger and resentment from the past, filled with eagerness and curiosity in the now) we knew things would never be, but we had unfinished business.... needless to say, he is to this day still a god friend (in a long distance capacity), is happily married, and still thinks of me fondly as i do of him....
Moral of the story:
Friends are destined to be friends, no matter what the circumstances they go through. we met by chance, unfortunate events caused turmoil and doubt... however years down the line, we laugh, and miss each other..... Never underestimate a good friend, for if they are truly good, forgiveness will always be in their hearts, and you will always have them one way or another in your life.
Nothing happens by chance in this life..... find meaning in everything...... find hope in sadness, find strength in madness :)
Stay posted... next chapter is undecided... present or past? i may have to just to current events :D
Happy weekend!
x
So, carrying on from where we left off... Internet is a new thing. We had a family computer, and one of my sisters had signed up to yahoo messenger. She apparently left it online all the time.
One day I was sitting at the computer, and got an IM from someone saying.. Hi, how are you?
I replied that I was ok, but that i wasn't my sister (her yahoo msn). he then replied that he didn't know my sister, simply that he read her profile and thought he would say hi....
Being my first experience meeting someone fully online, I can't say it went too bad. This guy was funny, smart, caring. studying medical school, also a football ref in his free time, he lived up north (14 hour drive from me) and liked writing real letters. We exchanged emails and letters for a few months. he became my diary, my confidant. We became very close, to the point where he decided he was going to get a train and come and visit me, this girl he had never before met!!! (we shall name him Doctor north boy)
Meanwhile in my daily life.... i had signed up for driving lessons, and first day of class, i ran into the best friend of a guy i had briefly dated during my previous year in school.... the one thing i will always remember was how good he smelled ... mmmm.... we hung out that week every day before and after class, talking, getting to know each other (token name: ex's bestie).... This being the week before Doctor north boy was due to come and visit.!!!
I started telling ex's bestie about doc north boy, and how i was nervous about meeting him as we had only ever spoken on the phone or by email, and he was going to stay at my house for a week... he simply listened and appeared supportive.
The day came when Doctor north boy arrived. I greeted him at the train station with an awkward hug. Through the months of talking I had developed feelings for this man... but..... in the last week, it had all become topsy turvy with ex's bestie in the picture.... needless to say, confusion was, and always will be, my middle name!
Doc and I hung out, i took him to some sightseeing, and then told him we were invited to a party at my ex's flat (by ex... this was an old school mate that i went out with for a few weeks, but didnt really like in the end). his bestie was going clearly, as well as some other school friends.
We got there... and were drinking, we left the flat to head to the bars, and I found myself walking with ex's bestie. I told him i was so confused as I wasn't used to having 3 guys into me..... he said : "3? well, i guess you're right..." so i told him i felt he might have a solid chance in the running....then we all went out partying. At the end of the night, somehow i found myself with ex, ex's bestie, and doctor north boy..............................walking along the beach, and then the 4 of us sat down.... ex, ex's bestie, me, and doctor north boy. (in that order) I was drunk... nervous... terrified... exhilirated, and confused.
Sitting there for what seemed like hours, i ended up gradually leaning towards ex's bestie, and holding his hand... then at some point we kissed... the world stopped. I looked around and the other two had vanished.
I wanted to worry about Doctor boy as he was supposed to stay at mine, but soon saw that he had merely walked a ways away, and was being a gentleman...
My relationship with ex's bestie went on to become my first serious relationship... almost 2 years running... i lost tough with ex (he got very pissed off that night) and as for Doctor north boy.... well..... he became a doctor, and years later I was finally able to return the favour of the visit. I managed a 14 hour bus journey up to him a few years later with an ecological excuse to go, however once there he kidnapped me from my duties, and took me around his hometown as well as showing me his flat later... :)
the first kiss i had with him was a scary thing... as I knew he had so many mixed feelings for me ( anger and resentment from the past, filled with eagerness and curiosity in the now) we knew things would never be, but we had unfinished business.... needless to say, he is to this day still a god friend (in a long distance capacity), is happily married, and still thinks of me fondly as i do of him....
Moral of the story:
Friends are destined to be friends, no matter what the circumstances they go through. we met by chance, unfortunate events caused turmoil and doubt... however years down the line, we laugh, and miss each other..... Never underestimate a good friend, for if they are truly good, forgiveness will always be in their hearts, and you will always have them one way or another in your life.
Nothing happens by chance in this life..... find meaning in everything...... find hope in sadness, find strength in madness :)
Stay posted... next chapter is undecided... present or past? i may have to just to current events :D
Happy weekend!
x
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