flashforward to present day... in crisis

Well, My intention for the next entry was continuing in the past......... but circumstances of the present have gotten into my head as such that i need to rant about it and get over it by writing about it...

Without explaining the whole backlog of recent months (this will all come eventually anyways) jumping straight into this one story.... Gym Trainer... cliche i know!
So I signed up to the gym back in january, new years resolution, bla bla... the usual....
I had my induction at the gym with a trainer who was pretty cute, but i paid no mind at the time. The guy measured my fat and flab for crying out loud!!! No chance there!
well... months later... August.... i've been a good girl, gym goer and the likes.... had a bf in between times... and broke up with my boyfriend first week of august.

So... one day i bring a friend with me to the gym, and when we get in there, this trainer guy is at reception (i had still spoken to him on and off over the months, but nothing of consequence) so she and i stop to chat to him, as lately hes become a lot more friendly..... we go in to get changed, and she starts telling me how cute he is, and how he was clearly flirting with me... i didn't see it, but she planted the seed in my head, and this seed started sprouting ideas in my mind......
next day i come to the gym, and had a little chat with him, i wanted a remeasure on all my fat and crap to see if i had made any progress since january, so he re did all the initial tests, result though... i had lost fat! yay :) super sidenote...
but yeah, the next week, on my way out, i saw him sitting in one of the offices, so i poked my head in to say hi, and he gets all chatty again, and says its his last week at the gym, filling in his resignation right there...
then he goes on to saying how he'd love to keep in touch and hang out sometime, maybe get a drink sometime, and i say yeah, that could be fun... and then he's like... well hey, you should give me your number.... so i gave him my number!!!
Needles to say, i was surprised, smiley, and quite giddy.... hadn't met a guy the old fashioned way like this in ages... and it was just so refreshing.
He texted me later that night, to let me know his number.. and said that i always made him smile... :)

Next day when i'm leaving the gym, he's at reception so i pop over to say bye... and we start chatting.. and somehow, he starts hinting at maybe going to the cinema.. but then the reception got busy and he had work to do.. and i needed a shower!! so i went home... and was thinking.... did he ask me out? or was he just chatting shit? so i just jumped the gun and texted him and asked him if that had been his way of asking me to the cinema? he said no... but then said he wouldn't mind going to the cinema if i wanted.. and also mentioned that there was a restaurant that did 2 for 1 on meals that night too... so all of a sudden, ive gone from no plans, to dinner and a movie!!
I met him at the restaurant, and my was he looking hot!!! looked so much better in normal clothes than the gym uniform... he was a box full of surprises.. we talked and talked at dinner...and i discovered that his being a gym trainer was only a teeny teeny small bit of him...
anyways.... dinner overran so we never made the film... but went for drinks instead... then he gave me a ride home... had a delicious first kiss in the car.... for like 15 minutes.... until i had to get out otherwise he would have followed me in..........
we texted a bit that night... but in one of the texts he informed me he wasn't looking for a relationship right now... tbh, neither was i! had just a slightly messed up end to my previous one... so really needed a break from the boyfriend drama... so worked perfect!!!
he did say though that he wanted to get to know me and hang out.. and wasn't just about sex... fair enough...
we hung out a few more times during the week.... i totally gave in to my impulses on the second date.. oh well..... was fun.. so am glad i did ;)  he's a good gym trainer... in way too many ways, haha..... if you get me?
Anywayyssssss.... this last friday... he came over straight from work as i live next to the station he commutes to work from... we were planning a chilled evening, i was gonna cook us dinner, we were gonna watch movies, and he was going to stay round for a chilled out morning...
all this went to plan... sadly..... i had too much fun... liked his company too much..... he helped me cook... did dishes... laughed and joked with me... let slip that he'd mentioned me to his mother... and some of his close mates... and here im thinking.... (like the stupid stupid stupidddddd girl that i will always hopelessly be) he must like me more than he lets on.... maybe hes swaying in my direction??
now... im supposed to move out of my flat next weekend... and he said he was going to help with the move in the morning....
so.. last i saw him was saturday morning.... sunday while im sorting stuff out... it hits me.... FUCK! i like this guy.... damnit!! im not supposed to like him... at least not this soon.... its too soon to tell him without scaring him off.... so i figure.. ok, i can play it cool for now... at least i know im seeing him next sunday... so thats ok.....
we texted a bit monday....
nothing tuesday...
then today... i caved and texted... just to see how his day had been... he replies... cant help me with the move due to some crap excuse about being with his dad... my initial reply was pissy but then i replied again saying it was ok... and jokingly asked when i might see him,.. to which he says... he wants to see me... but he's busy for the next 2 weeks straight including weekends...
WTF!!! who am i kidding......... if he wanted to see me he could find time somewhere couldn't he?? its not his fault mind you... he made it clear the first day what he wanted... and i stupidlyyyyy was unable to keep my feelings out... and now... i'm at an impass..... didn't realize until just now how much i like this idiot... which makes me an even bigger idiot....
we had an agreement to tell each other if either of us develops feelings... as we don't want either of us to get hurt... so do i tell him???  its clear he's not as interested as i am... and i'm sitting here alone... lonely... sad... even shed a few stupid tears for him...
well.... im going to tell him... i'm going to text and tell him that i messed up the agreement and developed feelings.... and so we shouldn't hang out anymore... as i can't keep my feelings out anymore...
time to move on again.....
alone...
sigh....
writing about the past is more fun. this hurts too much still...

moral of the story... 30 years down the road... all the mistakes ive made.... yep, still making them... can't teach this old dog any new tricks can you?

oh well.
Next chapter will be where the story last left off (not from this)

Love to all... ... SIGH!!!!!!!!
peace out!
xx