Saturday night here again, wine bottle half drunk, alone reminiscing on the past, smiling about the present, and hopeful about the future.....
Being 30 and single, when so many of my friends my age are married (and in many cases even with children) makes me wonder if maybe i need to get my act together and settle down..... ah hell, who am I kidding, i have been having way too much fun lately : )
The big plan, yes, to settle down, kids, house... the whole shabang...... but the more years I live, the better i get to know myself and what I like and don't like in regards to finding that person i may want to spend the rest of my life with... it appears I am getting pickier and pickier!! That being said.... when you least expect to find him.... he may just appear... not implying anyone fitting the description has made an entrance just yet, but there's always maybe...
Anyways... before one gets picky on their choices... they must start out with an open mind to all sorts in order to see what's hot... and what's not! So although I implied a visit to the present... I lied! Lets hit a story of firsts... first love.... first "real" boyfriend... first time.... and first infidelity on my part!
Picking up from our previous chapter .... the fateful night of ex vs doc north boy vs ex's bestie.... as you my recall, ex's bestie won that battle..... and then went on to become my first real boyfriend!
We shall change his name to surfer boy, (more endearing than ex's bestie :) ).
So surfer boy was to be my my first on many fronts. he was the first guy i felt like saying i loved, (although sometimes i thought he loved my parents more) and 3 months into our relationship (i was 18.. and still very shy) he became my other kind of first...
Now, without bringing this from PG to rated 18, how many of you out there look back on your first time and think.... CRINGEEEE!!! or ...awkward?? yeah.. well.... how could i dare be different? he was having a little get together at his dads flat as his dad was out of town. A bunch of my friends, and some of his surfer friends. Music, drink, the usual....
we ended up in his room... etc etc etc.. a very short 5-10 minutes later if even.... no glove no love theory applied....... BUT.......... glove came off.............inside!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CRISIS!!!
extraction successful.... i laughed it off, however, he panicked and got me to go with him in a taxi to the emergency room...... (cue AWKWARD!!!) Try explaining to ER doc that yeah.... so, we were doin it... and it came off... inside...... Doc's question: is it still in there? Surfer bf: No, we got it out, Doc: sorry, why are you here then??? (me embarrassed beyond recognition) Doc says: just go to GP in the morning for morning after pill.....
Now, if that was the end of it, surviveable... however.. this did all happen while all our friends were still in the flat...... therefore, they ALL knew about it immediately!!!!!! we all look back and laugh at this profusely now :)
If there is one thing I am happy about, is the fact that in the years to follow I have had many more enjoyable experiences to make up for that first awkward one, and to restore my faith in all the hubbub about sex...
I was with surfer boy for about a year and a half. He was sweet, loving, a pushover (first of many), and had the hottest best friend (another surfer) which i had the biggest crush on for ages!!! (another story for another chapter... but i did eventually get the other guy too :P ).
Our end came about near the end of my first year of university. I had been living in dorms in another town by my university for the year, so was only seeing him on the weekends. I had made a lot of new friends in the dorms and we had a tendency to have bbq's in the field behind the dorm, get drunk, and be idiots... One night a guy that normally didnt hang out with us joined the party..... i have no recollection of his name.. just his face and torso... muscled... square jaw.... played guitar and although his native language wasn't english, he could sing offspring songs in english perfectly!!! I could barely contain the drool watching him play... and amazingly enough, for the first time in my existence, the hot guy was interested in me too!!!!!!! 20 years waiting for this moment....
I caved, alcohol... hot man.... own room.... yeah, i never stood a chance. It was innocent though, just kissing and rolling around.. clothes on, but still...... I was raised a catholic, however i didn't feel guilty! First sign that something wasn't right...
I confessed to my surfer boy, (secretly I wanted him to leave me) he broke up with me... but two weeks later he was asking to get back together (did i mention pushover??) I said no, as i couldn't guarantee it wouldn't happen again!
I went on to have a very messy.... eventful.... and fun two years being single after that breakup :)
CONCLUSION...
I suck at knowing when I don't want to be with someone... so i go by my instincts and my behaviour.. My behaviour proved to me that he clearly wasn't the one... that being said... i hated hurting him by telling him about the cheating... and told myself i never wanted to hurt a guy like that again!
We are still friends to this day... not hugely active friendship.. but friends nonetheless...
I have seen him since... and the long curly blonde hair he had when i met him has been replaced by a mostly bald head...
I have also since discovered that... well.... a guy doing the "windmill" naked is not sexy.. or attractive... and can be a little disturbing... hell... i can say i made the right choice :)
I regret nothing from my time with him, i learned about sex a little... (very shy still at this point) learned a bit about love... and learned a lot about the complications that arise when you are no longer in love with someone...
It will always be better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all...
-------- Next chapter..... two years of being single..... messy times summed up :) stay tuned! Happy weekend! xx
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