Hello friends,
sorry for the break, life caught up with me and i was a bit too busy living in the moment to spend time reliving the past... but as life always has a way of showing... i am back to where i was, lonely and alone...and apparently on a mildly self destructive path of mayhem that needs to be reigned in before i do too many stupid things at once...
for tonight I have a fun story, with a sad ending... but one that I don't regret...
I have dabbled a bit in the online dating world... always up for trying to meet new interesting people... well... about 4 weeks ago i may have jumped on the silly -uniform dating- website.. how cliche right?
well... i had a few messages, and one guy seemed nice enough. We started emailing back and forth.. turned out he was a lieutenant in the army (i'll confess.. i live in england) so british army.. anyways...one of the things i liked the most about him was the fact that he had apparently moved around a lot growing up, like me... and gave me hope that maybe out there i can find someone a little bit more like me, unstable yet adaptable.
We emailed for a few days, and then he finally asked me out to the movies and to dinner... to which i accepted....
initial impression... not as cute as his pics... and a bit short... but he soon won me over by the end of the night... we went to a pub after the movie and had some drinks while listening to random people sing karaoke ridiculously well, and had a good laugh at it... by the end of the night i was hopeful.. He walked me home... yes, there was some kissing... but i behaved otherwise (lately for me that seems to be a feat to be proud of)
what i will say, and this might be borderline tmi for some of you... when we kissed in the entrance to my building, for some reason i kinda wrapped a leg around him, and all of a sudden he had lifted me up fully and was kissing me up against the wall..... now let me just say.... OH LORDY... lol... i made him leave right then and there... never ever ever had i been with a guy that could lift me up like that!! yikes.. took every ounce of self restraint to let him leave in one piece.. but anyways... i was challenging myself to behave so that was that...
We texted that night... (thurs night) and he mentioned he was going to be away that weekend, but asked what time i finished work the next day... !! keen bean eh? so, he popped round on the friday to hang out a bit.. we got pizza... enjoyed some more of that fun kissing... and yet still i behaved...! : )
over the weekend he texted me... and then again when he got back into town sunday night...
In the meantime .. that weekend... well, lets just say i was up to my old party ways and may have strayed from the straight and narrow path of good girldom... and thus by sunday evening i was in my usual self loathing stage of.. why oh why did i do all that?
so in my texts to him... i let on that i was feeling down.. and really felt like having some cuddles......
so... at midnight.. on a sunday night, he drives over to me.. and stayed till about 2.. just for cuddles! i behaved yet again... and this time... he asked me what i was doing the following saturday... asking if i wanted to go to a black tie dinner with him at the army barracks... a ladies night with all the officers...
EEEEEEKKKKK haha, i was in shock.. and so excited! I have never ever been to anything that fancy before in my life!
Of course i said yes.... but how dare he give me one weeks notice... i needed to get a dress and all the bits... and had work all week and no time to shop!!! enter female panic mode here!
we also decided on going out again wednesday.. where we went to dinner at an amazing restaurant (he paid) and then to see another movie... 4th date..i figured he had earned what he got next.. lol.. anyways...
saturday comes... and into town i go with two trusty friends.. hoping for their girly expertise (i've always been a bit crap at girly)
we wander the town for a few hours... until i have almost given up.. and in this little boutique shop.. i find a nice simple long black dress... and my friend picks out this very large gold coloured neckalce and asks me to try it with the dress... when i stepped out of the changing room... all the ladies in the boutique shop just started going... oohhhhhhh!!! :D i automatically felt like a princess... loved every minute of it...
saturday evening arrives... he had asked me to go round his place early ish to check me into the barracks etc.. so i was going to have to get ready in his room... sigh... i managed... lol..
when i came out of the bathroom all done.. his words to describe me... GORGEOUS.. :)
down we went... where i spent the evening mingling with the officers and their wives or girlfriends... food was amazing.. alcohol never stopped flowing... i got to run around with an AK-47 at the end of the night... (pics to prove) and had an amazing time...
but like all fairy tales.... my chariot would soon be a pumpkin...
i stayed round that night.. and we basically spent sunday in a hungover state of woops... too much alcohol ...
well.. i skipped a bit... i dont quite remember the end of the night (way too much drink) but i woke up at about 5 am.... in his shorts and sweatshirt.. in a sleeping bag... on the floor outside his bathroom.......... confusion sets in... and i ask... what am i doing here??? his answer... well... after i was nakedly throwing up in the toilet... i apparently didn't want to sleep too far from the bathroom..... KILL ME NOW!!!!!!!!!!! so.... yeah.... im guessing i made a bit of an ass of myself... so what comes next is most likely my fault...
so anyways, monday comes and goes.. a few texts... tuesday we were maybe going to hang out... but in the end he couldn't.. wednesday i went home to my family for 5 days... he wasn't doing much of the texting while i was away at all...then when i got sick of waiting.. i texted on the saturday.. and found out that he was going to be away the whole following week on a course... I was noticing he didn't seem anywhere near as interested as before... and one of my suspicions was... maybe he just wanted a date to that dinner all along.... :( on the one hand... i still would have gone, it was a once in a lifetime experience, on the other hand... he could have just said so to start with??
anyways... i got back from my trip... texted him... didnt hear anything for a few days, so texted again.. and just flat out asked him...if something had changed or if he was just busy..
his response was... "you're right, i'm not as keen as i was 2 weeks ago... things went too fast, and its my fault for the dinner, dont get me wrong, you're fun, but we went from never having met to that in 10 days"..... WTF!!! he's the one that made it go so fast@@!!! not me!
SIGH
so..... needless to say... i had an amazing two weeks... but im still a bit sad, as everytime i think i see potential in someone...something just destroys my hopes..
now i know my friends say i'm looking too hard, and should take a break, and love will find me when i least expect it, but i'm 30... im all alone in this country, i have friends... but they all have their own lives too to get back to and their families.. or boyfriends... or anything else like that... i have my family... but they are far away, and im starting to reach the stage where maybe i want my own family... not kids yet... but someone to start growing a life with...
no matter how many things i achieve in my career... no matter how hard i work, and how hard i play.. the end result is always the same....
sitting in my room.... a little bit sad.. a little bit lonely.. finding myself seeking the wrong kind of attention to ease the loneliness....
im running as fast as i can... but life is catching up with me, and i can't hide from it forever!
moral of this story?
I have no idea... never be scared to love... never be scared to hope... i learnt this time and time again... i always find someone else to give me hope... one day, i will find the right one.. but in the meantime i can try to have fun with all the wrong ones right?
so thats me back from the dead... i'll try to do an old story for my next entry... something comical to bring up the mood..
hope you are all still enjoying this journey...it feels good to share it, helps to talk through it somehow.
thank you all for reading.
xx
