Food for thought...

This isn't going to be a standard entry...
i felt that sometimes i may need to feed your minds with something more than funny stories... a life lesson perhaps? a random poem that i may have written about one of the many men i have fallen in and out of love with perhaps?

We can start with a pearl of fresh wisdom...
it has come to my recent attention... a moment of clarity you could call it.... I think of all the guys i have had long loving relationships with, i was only actually really in love with one.... looking back.... i never really loved the others like i did that one... i simply loved how they differed from their predecessor!
Look back on your lost "loves", or the "one's that didn't work".... did you tell them you loved them? did you break their heart at the end of it?
if so.... did you ever REALLY love them? or was it the thought of them you loved... he's so much funnier than so and so.... he's more caring.... he's less of a wuss... he's more mature.... he's less mature.... he's more spontaneous... he's more dependable....
all comparisons...

so.... did you love him for him... or did you love the comparisons... and then in time... realized deep down that it was never really right?
I only clocked this fact a few weeks ago.... and i couldn't have been more blind to the past 7 years (3 relationships) of my life... i told each that i loved them.... but i know, i didn't do them justice....
we refer to men as assholes and the likes..... but when they fall in love, they are lost... i always figured we were more fickle... and could fall in and out of love more easily... guess i was wrong again (at least in regards to me) we don't fall in love all that often at all... and it takes so much to really love some one, comparison free, love them for them... and i wish with all my heart that i will be able to love like that again.
It's a scary thought though, that real love only comes once in a while... if you are lucky... i've only known it once.. and he's lost to me forever...... so how can i stop comparing every other man to him? I hope one day i meet someone who takes my breath away, and who is all the man i could ever want or need, to the point that i can forget my long sordid past and move forward with my life, someone to take my breath away and make me feel like i am the only other person on the planet (without feeling suffocating..)
it's a nice thought...

and now.... how about one of those silly poems? or three... to show the maleable mindset of a girl lost in this world...

--- all alone---

Alone in my thoughts

Alone in my life

Smile and laughs

Create the façade

Dark times approach

Self-discovery and reproach

While spinning,

The world goes on

My head spinning

Opposing the flow

Fighting my instincts

Controlling emotions

Expressing myself

Solely in my thoughts

The melancholy of alone

Equals to the sadness of the crowd

No difference but truth

Raw emotions will appear

Seen in my reflection

Yet not by the outside

Solace in the knowledge

That my façade is strong

And I will be strong.

All Alone

-7-8-2012

and the mood can evolve..... within a few weeks:

--soulmates---

Soulmates

Is there such a thing

A dream within a dream

Life without death

Completion

My heart aches

Loneliness transpires

You were mine

I gave you away

I broke my heart

Im broken and battered

Unable to love

The way we loved

Unable to feel

The way we felt

Unable to see

Anyone but you

You’re happy now

She fits your heart

I wish you the best

For all eternity

Your soulmate

You found

My soulmate

I lost

Will I ever be whole again?

28-8-12

to hope.............

--hopeful again--

Hopeful again,

Smiling when I think of him

Worried when I understand

Too scared to feel

Both him and me

One day at a time

Am I able to go slow

When I already know

Don’t want him to go

Can’t let it show

Could it be

Amazing you and me?

Can you see

Me for me?

Im nervous,

You appear impervious

Strong as you act?

Or scared of me too,

So hard to read

When the lights are off

Blue eyes like the sky

Tell no lies, we fly

Can we fly away

Together?

 16-9-12

Hope that was food enough for thought.... i'm still alone.... but im stronger, and patient.... and will continue to tell you all the stories of my past and bring you through the long journey of life experiences that have slowly made me me..... even if you don't know me... maybe you're like me and this helps you in some way understand your own life.

Much love to all... 

life is all about the chaos ... the uncertainty... and the beauty in surprises that make you smile... find something to be surprised by every day and you will always have a smile on your face.

xxxx