Food for thought...

This isn't going to be a standard entry...
i felt that sometimes i may need to feed your minds with something more than funny stories... a life lesson perhaps? a random poem that i may have written about one of the many men i have fallen in and out of love with perhaps?

We can start with a pearl of fresh wisdom...
it has come to my recent attention... a moment of clarity you could call it.... I think of all the guys i have had long loving relationships with, i was only actually really in love with one.... looking back.... i never really loved the others like i did that one... i simply loved how they differed from their predecessor!
Look back on your lost "loves", or the "one's that didn't work".... did you tell them you loved them? did you break their heart at the end of it?
if so.... did you ever REALLY love them? or was it the thought of them you loved... he's so much funnier than so and so.... he's more caring.... he's less of a wuss... he's more mature.... he's less mature.... he's more spontaneous... he's more dependable....
all comparisons...

so.... did you love him for him... or did you love the comparisons... and then in time... realized deep down that it was never really right?
I only clocked this fact a few weeks ago.... and i couldn't have been more blind to the past 7 years (3 relationships) of my life... i told each that i loved them.... but i know, i didn't do them justice....
we refer to men as assholes and the likes..... but when they fall in love, they are lost... i always figured we were more fickle... and could fall in and out of love more easily... guess i was wrong again (at least in regards to me) we don't fall in love all that often at all... and it takes so much to really love some one, comparison free, love them for them... and i wish with all my heart that i will be able to love like that again.
It's a scary thought though, that real love only comes once in a while... if you are lucky... i've only known it once.. and he's lost to me forever...... so how can i stop comparing every other man to him? I hope one day i meet someone who takes my breath away, and who is all the man i could ever want or need, to the point that i can forget my long sordid past and move forward with my life, someone to take my breath away and make me feel like i am the only other person on the planet (without feeling suffocating..)
it's a nice thought...

and now.... how about one of those silly poems? or three... to show the maleable mindset of a girl lost in this world...

--- all alone---

Alone in my thoughts

Alone in my life

Smile and laughs

Create the façade

Dark times approach

Self-discovery and reproach

While spinning,

The world goes on

My head spinning

Opposing the flow

Fighting my instincts

Controlling emotions

Expressing myself

Solely in my thoughts

The melancholy of alone

Equals to the sadness of the crowd

No difference but truth

Raw emotions will appear

Seen in my reflection

Yet not by the outside

Solace in the knowledge

That my façade is strong

And I will be strong.

All Alone

-7-8-2012

and the mood can evolve..... within a few weeks:

--soulmates---

Soulmates

Is there such a thing

A dream within a dream

Life without death

Completion

My heart aches

Loneliness transpires

You were mine

I gave you away

I broke my heart

Im broken and battered

Unable to love

The way we loved

Unable to feel

The way we felt

Unable to see

Anyone but you

You’re happy now

She fits your heart

I wish you the best

For all eternity

Your soulmate

You found

My soulmate

I lost

Will I ever be whole again?

28-8-12

to hope.............

--hopeful again--

Hopeful again,

Smiling when I think of him

Worried when I understand

Too scared to feel

Both him and me

One day at a time

Am I able to go slow

When I already know

Don’t want him to go

Can’t let it show

Could it be

Amazing you and me?

Can you see

Me for me?

Im nervous,

You appear impervious

Strong as you act?

Or scared of me too,

So hard to read

When the lights are off

Blue eyes like the sky

Tell no lies, we fly

Can we fly away

Together?

 16-9-12

Hope that was food enough for thought.... i'm still alone.... but im stronger, and patient.... and will continue to tell you all the stories of my past and bring you through the long journey of life experiences that have slowly made me me..... even if you don't know me... maybe you're like me and this helps you in some way understand your own life.

Much love to all... 

life is all about the chaos ... the uncertainty... and the beauty in surprises that make you smile... find something to be surprised by every day and you will always have a smile on your face.

xxxx

flashforward to present day... in crisis

Well, My intention for the next entry was continuing in the past......... but circumstances of the present have gotten into my head as such that i need to rant about it and get over it by writing about it...

Without explaining the whole backlog of recent months (this will all come eventually anyways) jumping straight into this one story.... Gym Trainer... cliche i know!
So I signed up to the gym back in january, new years resolution, bla bla... the usual....
I had my induction at the gym with a trainer who was pretty cute, but i paid no mind at the time. The guy measured my fat and flab for crying out loud!!! No chance there!
well... months later... August.... i've been a good girl, gym goer and the likes.... had a bf in between times... and broke up with my boyfriend first week of august.

So... one day i bring a friend with me to the gym, and when we get in there, this trainer guy is at reception (i had still spoken to him on and off over the months, but nothing of consequence) so she and i stop to chat to him, as lately hes become a lot more friendly..... we go in to get changed, and she starts telling me how cute he is, and how he was clearly flirting with me... i didn't see it, but she planted the seed in my head, and this seed started sprouting ideas in my mind......
next day i come to the gym, and had a little chat with him, i wanted a remeasure on all my fat and crap to see if i had made any progress since january, so he re did all the initial tests, result though... i had lost fat! yay :) super sidenote...
but yeah, the next week, on my way out, i saw him sitting in one of the offices, so i poked my head in to say hi, and he gets all chatty again, and says its his last week at the gym, filling in his resignation right there...
then he goes on to saying how he'd love to keep in touch and hang out sometime, maybe get a drink sometime, and i say yeah, that could be fun... and then he's like... well hey, you should give me your number.... so i gave him my number!!!
Needles to say, i was surprised, smiley, and quite giddy.... hadn't met a guy the old fashioned way like this in ages... and it was just so refreshing.
He texted me later that night, to let me know his number.. and said that i always made him smile... :)

Next day when i'm leaving the gym, he's at reception so i pop over to say bye... and we start chatting.. and somehow, he starts hinting at maybe going to the cinema.. but then the reception got busy and he had work to do.. and i needed a shower!! so i went home... and was thinking.... did he ask me out? or was he just chatting shit? so i just jumped the gun and texted him and asked him if that had been his way of asking me to the cinema? he said no... but then said he wouldn't mind going to the cinema if i wanted.. and also mentioned that there was a restaurant that did 2 for 1 on meals that night too... so all of a sudden, ive gone from no plans, to dinner and a movie!!
I met him at the restaurant, and my was he looking hot!!! looked so much better in normal clothes than the gym uniform... he was a box full of surprises.. we talked and talked at dinner...and i discovered that his being a gym trainer was only a teeny teeny small bit of him...
anyways.... dinner overran so we never made the film... but went for drinks instead... then he gave me a ride home... had a delicious first kiss in the car.... for like 15 minutes.... until i had to get out otherwise he would have followed me in..........
we texted a bit that night... but in one of the texts he informed me he wasn't looking for a relationship right now... tbh, neither was i! had just a slightly messed up end to my previous one... so really needed a break from the boyfriend drama... so worked perfect!!!
he did say though that he wanted to get to know me and hang out.. and wasn't just about sex... fair enough...
we hung out a few more times during the week.... i totally gave in to my impulses on the second date.. oh well..... was fun.. so am glad i did ;)  he's a good gym trainer... in way too many ways, haha..... if you get me?
Anywayyssssss.... this last friday... he came over straight from work as i live next to the station he commutes to work from... we were planning a chilled evening, i was gonna cook us dinner, we were gonna watch movies, and he was going to stay round for a chilled out morning...
all this went to plan... sadly..... i had too much fun... liked his company too much..... he helped me cook... did dishes... laughed and joked with me... let slip that he'd mentioned me to his mother... and some of his close mates... and here im thinking.... (like the stupid stupid stupidddddd girl that i will always hopelessly be) he must like me more than he lets on.... maybe hes swaying in my direction??
now... im supposed to move out of my flat next weekend... and he said he was going to help with the move in the morning....
so.. last i saw him was saturday morning.... sunday while im sorting stuff out... it hits me.... FUCK! i like this guy.... damnit!! im not supposed to like him... at least not this soon.... its too soon to tell him without scaring him off.... so i figure.. ok, i can play it cool for now... at least i know im seeing him next sunday... so thats ok.....
we texted a bit monday....
nothing tuesday...
then today... i caved and texted... just to see how his day had been... he replies... cant help me with the move due to some crap excuse about being with his dad... my initial reply was pissy but then i replied again saying it was ok... and jokingly asked when i might see him,.. to which he says... he wants to see me... but he's busy for the next 2 weeks straight including weekends...
WTF!!! who am i kidding......... if he wanted to see me he could find time somewhere couldn't he?? its not his fault mind you... he made it clear the first day what he wanted... and i stupidlyyyyy was unable to keep my feelings out... and now... i'm at an impass..... didn't realize until just now how much i like this idiot... which makes me an even bigger idiot....
we had an agreement to tell each other if either of us develops feelings... as we don't want either of us to get hurt... so do i tell him???  its clear he's not as interested as i am... and i'm sitting here alone... lonely... sad... even shed a few stupid tears for him...
well.... im going to tell him... i'm going to text and tell him that i messed up the agreement and developed feelings.... and so we shouldn't hang out anymore... as i can't keep my feelings out anymore...
time to move on again.....
alone...
sigh....
writing about the past is more fun. this hurts too much still...

moral of the story... 30 years down the road... all the mistakes ive made.... yep, still making them... can't teach this old dog any new tricks can you?

oh well.
Next chapter will be where the story last left off (not from this)

Love to all... ... SIGH!!!!!!!!
peace out!
xx

My many firsts all in one... but not my lasts ..

Saturday night here again, wine bottle half drunk, alone reminiscing on the past, smiling about the present, and hopeful about the future.....

Being 30 and single, when so many of my friends my age are married (and in many cases even with children) makes me wonder if maybe i need to get my act together and settle down..... ah hell, who am I kidding, i have been having way too much fun lately : )
The big plan, yes, to settle down, kids, house... the whole shabang...... but the more years I live, the better i get to know myself and what I like and don't like in regards to finding that person i may want to spend the rest of my life with... it appears I am getting pickier and pickier!!  That being said.... when you least expect to find him.... he may just appear... not implying anyone fitting the description has made an entrance just yet, but there's always maybe...

Anyways... before one gets picky on their choices... they must start out with an open mind to all sorts in order to see what's hot... and what's not! So although I implied a visit to the present... I lied! Lets hit a story of firsts... first love.... first "real" boyfriend... first time.... and first infidelity on my part!

Picking up from our previous chapter .... the fateful night of ex vs doc north boy vs ex's bestie.... as you my recall, ex's bestie won that battle..... and then went on to become my first real boyfriend!

We shall change his name to surfer boy, (more endearing than ex's bestie :) ).
So surfer boy was to be my my first on many fronts. he was the first guy i felt like saying i loved, (although sometimes i thought he loved my parents more) and 3 months into our relationship (i was 18.. and still very shy) he became my other kind of first...
Now, without bringing this from PG to rated 18, how many of you out there look back on your first time and think.... CRINGEEEE!!! or ...awkward?? yeah.. well.... how could i dare be different? he was having a little get together at his dads flat as his dad was out of town. A bunch of my friends, and some of his surfer friends. Music, drink, the usual....
we ended up in his room... etc etc etc.. a very short 5-10 minutes later if even.... no glove no love theory applied....... BUT.......... glove came off.............inside!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CRISIS!!!
extraction successful.... i laughed it off, however, he panicked and got me to go with him in a taxi to the emergency room...... (cue AWKWARD!!!) Try explaining to ER doc that yeah.... so, we were doin it... and it came off... inside...... Doc's question: is it still in there? Surfer bf: No, we got it out, Doc: sorry, why are you here then??? (me embarrassed beyond recognition) Doc says: just go to GP in the morning for morning after pill.....
Now, if that was the end of it, surviveable... however.. this did all happen while all our friends were still in the flat...... therefore, they ALL knew about it immediately!!!!!! we all look back and laugh at this profusely now :)

If there is one thing I am happy about, is the fact that in the years to follow I have had many more enjoyable experiences to make up for that first awkward one, and to restore my faith in all the hubbub about sex...
I was with surfer boy for about a year and a half. He was sweet, loving, a pushover (first of many), and had the hottest best friend (another surfer) which i had the biggest crush on for ages!!! (another story for another chapter... but i did eventually get the other guy too :P ).
Our end came about near the end of my first year of university. I had been living in dorms in another town by my university for the year, so was only seeing him on the weekends. I had made a lot of new friends in the dorms and we had a tendency to have bbq's in the field behind the dorm, get drunk, and be idiots... One night a guy that normally didnt hang out with us joined the party..... i have no recollection of his name.. just his face and torso... muscled... square jaw.... played guitar and although his native language wasn't english, he could sing offspring songs in english perfectly!!! I could barely contain the drool watching him play... and amazingly enough, for the first time in my existence, the hot guy was interested in me too!!!!!!! 20 years waiting for this moment....
I caved, alcohol... hot man.... own room.... yeah, i never stood a chance. It was innocent though, just kissing and rolling around.. clothes on, but still...... I was raised a catholic, however i didn't feel guilty! First sign that something wasn't right...

I confessed to my surfer boy, (secretly I wanted him to leave me) he broke up with me... but two weeks later he was asking to get back together (did i mention pushover??) I said no, as i couldn't guarantee it wouldn't happen again!

I went on to have a very messy.... eventful.... and fun two years being single after that breakup :)

CONCLUSION...
I suck at knowing when I don't want to be with someone... so i go by my instincts and my behaviour.. My behaviour proved to me that he clearly wasn't the one... that being said... i hated hurting him by telling him about the cheating... and told myself i never wanted to hurt a guy like that again!
We are still friends to this day... not hugely active friendship.. but friends nonetheless...
I have seen him since... and the long curly blonde hair he had when i met him has been replaced by a mostly bald head...
I have also since discovered that... well.... a guy doing the "windmill" naked is not sexy.. or attractive... and can be a little disturbing... hell... i can say i made the right choice :)

I regret nothing from my time with him, i learned about sex a little... (very shy still at this point)  learned a bit about love... and learned a lot about the complications that arise when you are no longer in love with someone...

It will always be better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all...

-------- Next chapter..... two years of being single..... messy times summed up :) stay tuned! Happy weekend! xx

From none to three... how lucky can I be?

It appears my writing is driven by wine.... or my wine consumption driven by my eagerness to relive the past... who knows, either way, i hope this next phase of my comedic upbringing brings smiles to your faces and nods of understanding, or cringing... or both :D

So, carrying on from where we left off... Internet is a new thing. We had a family computer, and one of my sisters had signed up to yahoo messenger. She apparently left it online all the time.
One day I was sitting at the computer, and got an IM from someone saying.. Hi, how are you?
I replied that I was ok, but that i wasn't my sister (her yahoo msn). he then replied that he didn't know my sister, simply that he read her profile and thought he would say hi....

Being my first experience meeting someone fully online, I can't say it went too bad. This guy was funny, smart, caring. studying medical school, also a football ref in his free time, he lived up north (14 hour drive from me) and liked writing real letters. We exchanged emails and letters for a few months. he became my diary, my confidant. We became very close, to the point where he decided he was going to get a train and come and visit me, this girl he had never before met!!! (we shall name him Doctor north boy)

Meanwhile in my daily life.... i had signed up for driving lessons, and first day of class, i ran into the best friend of a guy i had briefly dated during my previous year in school.... the one thing i will always remember was how good he smelled ... mmmm.... we hung out that week every day before and after class, talking, getting to know each other (token name: ex's bestie).... This being the week before Doctor north boy was due to come and visit.!!!

I started telling ex's bestie about doc north boy, and how i was nervous about meeting him as we had only ever spoken on the phone or by email, and he was going to stay at my house for a week... he simply listened and appeared supportive.

The day came when Doctor north boy arrived. I greeted him at the train station with an awkward hug. Through the months of talking I had developed feelings for this man... but..... in the last week, it had all become topsy turvy with ex's bestie in the picture.... needless to say, confusion was, and always will be, my middle name!

Doc and I hung out, i took him to some sightseeing, and then told him we were invited to a party at my ex's flat (by ex... this was an old school mate that i went out with for a few weeks, but didnt really like in the end). his bestie was going clearly, as well as some other school friends.
We got there... and were drinking, we left the flat to head to the bars, and I found myself walking with ex's bestie. I told him i was so confused as I wasn't used to having 3 guys into me..... he said : "3? well, i guess you're right..." so i told him i felt he might have a solid chance in the running....then we all went out partying. At the end of the night, somehow i found myself with ex, ex's bestie, and doctor north boy..............................walking along the beach, and then the 4 of us sat down.... ex, ex's bestie, me, and doctor north boy. (in that order)  I was drunk... nervous... terrified... exhilirated, and confused.

Sitting there for what seemed like hours, i ended up gradually leaning towards ex's bestie, and holding his hand... then at some point we kissed... the world stopped. I looked around and the other two had vanished.
I wanted to worry about Doctor boy as he was supposed to stay at mine, but soon saw that he had merely walked a ways away, and was being a gentleman...

My relationship with ex's bestie went on to become my first serious relationship... almost 2 years running... i lost tough with ex (he got very pissed off that night) and as for Doctor north boy.... well..... he became a doctor, and years later I was finally able to return the favour of the visit. I managed a 14 hour bus journey up to him a few years later with an ecological excuse to go, however once there he kidnapped me from my duties, and took me around his hometown as well as showing me his flat later... :)
the first kiss i had with him was a scary thing... as I knew he had so many mixed feelings for me ( anger and resentment from the past, filled with eagerness and curiosity in the now) we knew things would never be, but we had unfinished business.... needless to say, he is to this day still a god friend (in a long distance capacity), is happily married, and still thinks of me fondly as i do of him....

Moral of the story:
Friends are destined to be friends, no matter what the circumstances they go through. we met by chance, unfortunate events caused turmoil and doubt... however years down the line, we laugh, and miss each other..... Never underestimate a good friend, for if they are truly good, forgiveness will always be in their hearts, and you will always have them one way or another in your life.

Nothing happens by chance in this life..... find meaning in everything...... find hope in sadness, find strength in madness :)

Stay posted... next chapter is undecided... present or past? i may have to just to current events :D

Happy weekend!
x

The unfortunate awkwardness of teenage years

So.... Here I am again, moving forward in the story.
I won't go into too much detail of my teenage years, as they were mostly filled with rejection after rejection, and too many humiliations to count.. :(  I have always said i'm like a fine wine... improving with age.. and the attention i get from the opposite sex proves that! the older I get the more compliments  i get and the more attractive the interested men i get are, so i guess I can forgive the teenage awkwardness if it meant flourishing in my later years ...

Basically, this includes moving through 4 different schools in 4 years, and two of those moves being country changes, therefore, i was a very lost lonely girl yet still idealistic and naive. I was a firm believer in signs, and always thought i could read guys minds, and assumed they liked me.. HAHA! boy was i wrong!
Once i realized my imagination was playing tricks on me, I developed an infallible method to get over unrequited loves...
I would simply go up to said boy, tell them i liked them to their face... and await the awkward silence that followed, along with the old school : I like you as a friend bullshit! haha, but... funny enough, all I ever needed was to hear it to my face, and within a day I was onto my next infatuation. I went through high school like this essentially. It did nothing for my self esteem, but at least i wasn't scared of hearing the truth, and somehow, it never stopped me from hoping that the next one might actually like me back...

Bear in mind.... I had the worlds worst hair style, braces, and HUGE glasses.... who am I kidding, i never stood a chance!

Until......
back in the days when email was a new thing, as was yahoo messenger and the likes...
I got an email on the family email addressed to me.. and the email it was sent from was : Ilove(my name)@hotmail.com , at the ripe age of 17, i had my first secret admirer!!! well, it didn't sit too well with my parents when they read the email first, and it was some guy saying that he had been watching me, and really liked me, and that he knew me, and all this stuff that i have forgotten, but that made my parents forbid me from emailing him!! well, no one had ever been interested in me, so like hell was i not going to investigate!!!
I made myself an email addy and emailed him back... i was really trying to figure out who on earth he was, because he clearly knew me personally, so it was driving me crazy!!! One day I finally caved and agreed to meet him in a public place..........

enter shocked, confused, and worried face at this point...

I waited at the appointed place, and when he approached me, understanding, confusion, and worry dawned on me all at once... i did know him.... but i also knew his GIRLFRIEND!!!! and she happened to be one of my sisters best friends!!! and a very scary goth like girl....

i was like... WTF!!!! he tried explaining how he loved me, and had been watching me, and wanted to get to know me better... and i was like... no no no no no... you're so and so's bf, im not getting in the middle of this... so what does the idiot of a man do... he TOLD HER!!  so then she goes all pschyzo on me, threatening me... took her some time to cool down before she would hang out w my sister at home anymore... and of course she dumped him... but i sure as hell wasn't going there!! He finally melted away into the fabric of time, never to be heard from again........

LESSON....
Now i have enjoyed/learned the worry of a secret admirer / borderline stalker....  I am clearly showing signs of my recklessness already by meeting some random internet person against all common sense! This reappears in later years...

What we see from here... as much as i wanted attention.... the wrong attention just won't do, and one needs to learn what situations to not dive into.

Next chapter..... the crazy love triangle!!! barely any men wanted me, until all at once 3 did.. stay tuned :)

Keep smiling my lovelies, for if we forget to smile, we forget to live! xx